DEBUNKED — Submissive Bill of Rights

So it comes around again.

There’s this list of submissive bill of rights that is being posted again, with dominants urged to re-post it so subs will know where they stand. In doing so, they are encouraging people to commit a copyright violation. Not one of them has permission from the actual author to post it. No one even knows who the original author is anymore.

Problem is that not a one of them is a universal right. Every single thing in the list is up to the two people IN the relationship to decide and determine.

It’s not anyone’s place to write up a universal diktat and say it applies to everyone. Worse still, they copy/paste it from somewhere else without even attempting to personalize it to themselves and how they conduct their own relationships.

Some things in the list very obviously turn the dynamic into a submissive led relationship. That doesn’t work for those who view the dom as the leader and the sub as the follower, those for whom the sub is very much NOT in control.

Some dominants already have their way of doing things and the sub is expected to adjust him/herself fit into that paradigm. In this, the sub has whatever rights the dom wants them to have and does not have whatever rights the dom has decided not to observe.

If the sub isn’t okay with that, he/she shouldn’t get into a relationship with that dom.

It’s not appropriate to say BAD DOM!!! when a dom does things their own way and not according to some presumptuous list written by another person they’ve never even heard of.

Choosing for ourselves how we (meaning doms and subs alike) will or will not do things within our own relationships is our right.

So here is that list, points from it italicized. My responses are in bold.

1. Every submissive has the right to have their body, intellect, and emotions protected by their Dominant.

So the dominant is never to tell the sub what they don’t want to hear?
Is never to give bad news for fear of hurting their feelings?

That isn’t at all reasonable.

2. Every submissive has the right to choose the Dominant whom they serve…

I hope the dom has a say in it too. I’ve had a couple guys tell me they’ll be my submissive without even asking my input on the matter…or meeting me. lol One said “Make me your slave”, literally gave me an order instead of asking if I’d be interested.

I don’t operate from a position of the submissive running the show. Not as the submissive in my marriage and not as the dominant playing with others in the local scene.

…and take their leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

They may have that right. It’s almost never observed, however. That part is on the dom. Do the words on the page match how the dom actually behaves when the end comes?

Rarely.

3. Every submissive has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in their submission.

Feel proud for bending over to get their ass spanked? Or feel proud to stand there and take a flogging? Feel proud to make a phone call that will prolong a woman’s life, against her own better judgment?

The right to be disciplined…the submissive has the RIGHT to be disciplined.

That reads as ridiculous, you know.

The submissive has the right to be disciplined. What if the dominant doesn’t really do that kind of thing? What if the dominant doesn’t use corporal punishment as a form of discipline?

What if the dom’s form of discipline for breaking rules is to release the sub outright?

Maybe the sub should find these things out before getting into the relationship, so he/she can choose NOT to be in a relationship with someone who won’t funnish them on demand.

4. Every submissive has the right to protected sex if they so wish.

So you expect that they’ll be having sex. What if the dom doesn’t have sex with his/her submissives? Does the sub then have a right to demand sex even when the dominant doesn’t do that in the first place?

I think the sex thing should be discussed before the two people get into the relationship.

5. Every submissive has the right to privacy if they so wish. No submissive may be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without their expressed desire to be so.

The two halves of those sentences have nothing to do with one another.
The right to privacy is a separate issue entirely from blackmail and public humiliation (and this sentence supposes that being humiliated in private is okay, when a large number of dynamics don’t include humiliation in the first place). Privacy has nothing to do with being coerced into service.

The submissive has the right to privacy if the dom agrees they do. If the dom doesn’t give his/her sub that right, then I guess the sub better leave the relationship.

Another thing to learn about BEFORE entering into the dynamic.

6. Every submissive has the right to defend themselves from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Again, this depends on the nature of the relationship.

I know a lot of people who like to be punched, smacked in the face. I personally adore being forcefully taken by my dom and told to shut up and take it. It’s HAWT.

Once more, this is that “talk about it beforehand” things. Talk about it constantly, continually. What was a no-go six months ago might be a yes now. What was a yes six months ago might be a no way man now.

We don’t talk about these things one time and that’s it forever. They need to be revisited frequently.

7. Every submissive has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

Again, depends on the nature of the relationship.

One can be the submissive in a cnc relationship without being slave. If in a cnc relationship, then they do not necessarily get asked “hey, wanna fuck” before the fucking happens. They might get bent over the counter in the kitchen and fucked in the middle of dinner preparations. That’s what makes it HAWT.

8. Every submissive has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and Dominants without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.

If a sub needs to “seek refuge” from their own dom, it’s time to get out of that relationship.

9. Every submissive has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

And if they don’t WANT a circle of such friends?

The dom may very well control access to friends and family. If the sub agrees to that arrangement, then he/she does not have the right.

What if the current circle of friends is toxic and possessive and disapproving and replacements aren’t readily available? You know, because we don’t go to Payless and try on people for friends like we try on shoes.

10. Every submissive has the right to protect their own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

So never marry your dom in a communal property state.

And hide the pop tarts so the dom doesn’t steal them.

Every single thing in this is entirely subjective to the dynamic they have with their partner but reads like you expect this list to be the same for every person in the world.

Every single thing on this list is to be decided between the people in the relationship, not issued wholesale in a diktat.

Try this instead:

Insert the words “with me” into every line so that you are referring to yourself as the dominant.

1. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to have their body, intellect, and emotions protected by me.

See what I did there? You are speaking solely of yourself and people in a relationship with you and not applying it to EVERY submissive and dominant in the world.

It’s that simple.

2. Every submissive who wants a relationship with me has the right to choose me, rather than being chosen by me, and to discontinue that service and take their leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

3. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in their submission.

4. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to protected sex if they so wish.

5. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to privacy if they so wish. No submissive may be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without their expressed desire to be so.

6. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to defend themselves from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

7. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

8. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and Dominants.

This other part: without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return. Unfortunately, you can’t tell other dominants whether or not they should expect to have sex with the person asking their advice. you don’t have that kind of power.

9. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

10. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to protect their own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

See how that works?

Speak for yourself.

You’re not qualified to speak for every submissive and every dom everywhere

My own version when I am talking with someone who wants to be my service sub or slave:

1. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to hear the truth, even when it’s painful. I will be honest and forthright and expect the same in return.

See what I did there? I’m speaking solely of my relationship with my submissive. I should point out, however, that I am forthright and honest with everyone. It’s one of the reasons I’m so hated. I don’t coddle people or tell them what they want to hear. I tell them what they need to know, especially when no one else is saying it. Hence this OP/ED piece.

2. Every submissive who wants a relationship with me has the right to approach me to open dialogue about becoming my service sub or slave. A formal relationship will be a mutually agreed upon arrangement.

The sub/slave has the right to discontinue that service (request release) and take their leave at any time. I will not in any way try to stop you or talk you out of it. There’s the door. Bye.

3. Every submissive in a relationship with me has to take care of themselves. I’m not your mommy. Suck it up and be the adult you supposedly are.

If I have to discipline you, you’re not the sub/slave for me. I prefer people who know how to follow instructions and obey.

4. Every submissive in a relationship with me has to know that there will not be any sex.

5a. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to privacy if they so wish. I don’t want your passwords. I’m not going to read your emails.

5b. No submissive will be blackmailed or physically coerced into service. Period. I’m not interested in any of that. If you don’t want to be there and serve, there’s the door.

5c.  Public humiliation — is too broad a topic to be decisively covered here. Some feel being nude around others is humiliating. Others think being called fat or worthless is humiliating. This is entirely dependent upon the submissive’s personal psychology and cannot be laid out as a blanket clause.

6. No submissive in a relationship with me will be subjected to physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. If you want a spanking or a whipping, that’s not abuse because you will have to ask me nicely in order to get it. I, however, have the right to say no/later/maybe if I don’t feel like doing it at that moment.

7. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to consent or not to consent to activities…until they decide they no longer want to have the option of consent. This can happen as soon as five minutes into a play session. Or never.

8. Every submissive in a relationship with me can talk to whomever they want. They do not, however, have the right to expect me to abide by whatever advice they are given.

I keep my own counsel.

9. See #8.

10. Every submissive in a relationship with me has the right to their own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition. I’m not interested in owning all your stuff. I don’t want an ATM or a paypig. I won’t ask you to buy all the things, or even a bottle of water for me.

See how simple that was? I turned each of those diktats into something that applies to how I personally want to conduct my relationships and how I conduct myself.

We should all do that.